It's been a few months since I've written a blog entry here, but it was always my intent to continue with my blog, which I dedicate to the Blessed Virgin Mary and to the Merciful Love of God.
Right now we are going through a greater time in history than I have ever known in my life. It doesn't appear that way, not even to me, but would the disciples of Christ have seen it as "Good Friday" while it was happening--while their Master was arrested, tried, convicted, tortured, sentenced, crucified, and buried?
It doesn't appear to be a good time--it appears just the opposite, in fact--because we are discovering, little by little, solid proof that even at the highest levels those in temporal power cannot be trusted to be acting according to God's will, or in our best interests.
This is true, for example, of the United States of America, with the #MeToo movement demonstrating the true magnitude of the level of sexual abuse that has been going on for decades and still goes on today. It is true of both major political parties and members of both, including President Donald Trump. I've been following a blog called "Five Pilgrims" which, while not Catholic, does take Christ's Gospel very seriously, and in 2016 a blog entry said that if it were true that then-candidate Donald Trump had truly repented, the best thing for his immortal soul would have been for him to withdraw from the election--even going so far as to say that to vote for him was the equivalent of throwing a baby to the wolves to save your own hide. And it's clear that he hasn't, given that he has said he didn't think he had done anything (or not much) that needed forgiving. A man who says this is not a man of God. This makes me all the more glad that I didn't vote for him, though I could never in good conscience have voted for Hillary Clinton either. And given this, I'm beginning to think it might be a good idea for President Trump to resign. While I refuse to give up hope that he might truly repent, given this magnitude a true repentance might require resignation. (It doesn't help that may Evangelicals, who rightly condemned similar evils by Bill Clinton in the 1990's, are being hypocritical in refusing to do the same for President Donald Trump now.)
This is also true, and worse, of the human element of the Church, with the #CatholicMeToo movement demonstrating the true magnitude of sexual abuse that I never fully appreciated until now. And Pope Francis's recent silence on the accusations that he was aware of former Cardinal Theodore McCarrick's sins and did nothing to expose them or punish the man, especially given his papacy before now, does not bode well for him. Jesus said "Let your yes mean yes and your no mean no; anything more is from the Evil One." If Pope Francis is innocent, why not simply say so? Granted, he is right to tell the journalists to do their job (though I wonder how many will), but in practice silence is often seen as consent--and Pope Francis has talked of transparency in his papacy before, so why stop now? It pains me, but now I'm beginning to think it might be a good idea for Pope Francis to abdicate the papacy, as his predecessor Benedict XVI did--though I would hope that the College of Cardinals would be cleaned up first, lest they elect another pope who will put the world before God. And in the latter event, an abdication by Pope Francis would only be a regime change. Again, I cannot make myself the pope's judge, and even if he is guilty I refuse to give up hope that he might truly repent--but again, if he is guilty, then given this magnitude a true repentance might require abdication of the papacy.
But this is a good time. God is shining His light on the evil that has taken over our world, the evil that cannot go back into hiding in the darkness now that we've seen how ugly its face truly is. God knows all and will reveal all--except, in His mercy, those sins of which we truly repent. Only evil loves the darkness; true good loves the light.
It may not appear that way, and it might even seem worse in the near future: when evil discovers it has nowhere left to hide, it will fight tooth and claw for its own survival, and those who get in its way WILL be hurt. But it will not survive: evil never can. It will die in the end.
God, through the intercession of the Blessed Virgin Mary, is cleansing the world of evil. The villains in power will be exposed and removed from power, separated, so that the true good Church can shine for all to see. I have less certainty that the United States of America will survive, at least not in its current form, but God's will be done.
However dark a time the near future appears, this is the equivalent of Good Friday for us. Jesus said, "Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites!" The priesthood of old Israel in His time was so corrupt that they put the Son of God on trial and judged Him deserving of death. Yet Jesus rose from the dead, and the wicked priesthood suffered the destruction of the Second Temple at the hands of the Romans. If the priesthood of the Church today does not repent, how can they expect any more lenient treatment? How can they not expect to suffer even more greatly than the likes of Joseph Caiaphas who accused Our Lord of blasphemy?
And if this is our Good Friday, this is when our faith, hope, and love will truly be tested. Even Christ's hand-chosen Apostles fell away on Good Friday. Judas the betrayer took his own life; of the rest, only Peter and John continued to follow the Lord in any capacity, and Peter denied Christ three times. Only John was present at the foot of the Cross. And yet it wasn't too late for the Apostles (except for Judas): they repented and are now saints in heaven.
Likewise, even the best of us might be tempted to run away, as if the Church (which Christ promised would never be overcome by the gates of hell) were crumbling into ruin at last--even those of us who will not betray Her as Judas did. And even many of those who try to continue to follow Christ might be so afraid of what will happen to them if this becomes known that, like Peter, they might deny being Christians to save their own hides. But even then, God is merciful, and if we repent before we die, we can still become saints in heaven even if we commit such a terrible sin.
I don't pretend to know what I will do, as I am a very anxious person and I don't like to disappoint others. But I hope and pray that I may be willing to suffer any earthly evils before I would jeopardize my immortal soul. And if I prove less than faithful (and I cannot claim to know for certain that I won't--Saint Peter did), I hope and pray I may be forgiven, as Saint Peter and the other Apostles were.
Whatever happens, the Lord will win in the end. I believe we're in a martial age of the Church now, soon to be followed by a jovial age: an age of the kings, of righteousness and justice, and of merriment--before the Anti-Christ comes in the Last Days.
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And now I choose to open up myself. Thank God, I have never been a victim of sexual abuse at anyone's hands, priests or no--nor has anyone close to me. However, I don't know whether that might be in part due to the fact that I have been away from the Church for most of my life. (Apparently a priest of my parish turned out to be an offender and was removed when I was a child--but I never would have known it.) At least, I've never had to worry about that since I returned to the Church.
Because of this, I don't pretend to know what it's like to suffer from something as evil as sexual abuse. Nor am I comparing my situation with anyone who has. My heart goes out to all who have thus suffered, and I welcome comments from anyone who has been thus abused and want to speak up.
Nevertheless, this epidemic has affected me to some degree. I have Asperger's Syndrome, and while I don't presume to speak for everyone with Asperger's Syndrome or Autism Spectrum Disorder (I can only speak based on my own individual experience), I suspect that my Asperger's Syndrome has something to do with it, at least.
Having Asperger's Syndrome, I am more sensitive to sensory input than ordinary people are. And that obviously includes sexual input. Where someone else might derive excitement from a thunderstorm or a loud rock concert, I can only endure such a thing, and not happily or willingly. (I still cannot fathom how anyone can find a thunderstorm relaxing--exciting maybe, but relaxing?)
And not only is the sexual appetite common to us all, but sexual arousal is overwhelming: it is very easy to lose control in the heat of the moment. But it's all the more so for me--it is downright terrifying.
Because of this, combined with my fears of what other people will think of me (even before I returned to the Church), I have taken a false, Puritanical, phobic view of sex. Not only have I never had a sexual relationship with anyone else, but I have avoided even the possibility of such, by turning my head away quickly if I so much as saw an attractive girl, not wanting her to think I found her sexually attractive. I didn't just fear the possibility that she might think I was a stalker; I feared the possibility that she might be sexually interested in me and want a relationship. (I still find it difficult to understand how women, in particular, enjoy sex.)
This is NOT the teaching of the Catholic Church, and it is NOT healthy. God gave us all a sexual appetite, and commanded us to "Be fruitful and multiply". Sexual intercourse is the way in which we conceive babies, participating with God in bringing about new life. And I now believe that a deliberately phobic attitude towards sex is misanthropic as well as offensive to the Lord.
But because that's the case, a Puritanical, phobic attitude towards sex is not practical. It will not erase our sexual appetites. And without recourse to God, we have no power to resist: in the end, we will exhaust ourselves and end up going to the opposite side of the coin, that is, indulging sexually. (I suspect this accounts for the stereotype of the most verbally sex-phobic of people, who condemn even legitimate sex in other people, secretly indulging in it themselves.) And if we are phobic of sex, then such indulgence will make us feel dirty and unloved by God--and we will desire all the more that this never be found out.
(Note: I said "without recourse to God." A celibacy vow, taken by a priest or religious, means that one has recourse to God--only if the individual refuses to come to Him will he or she be helpless to keep that vow.)
Given this, and knowing that the sex abuse scandal (at least in the coverup, and to some degree in the deed itself) goes to the highest levels of the human element of the Church, it is difficult for me to even open up to a priest and ask what I should do--not just what I need NOT to do, but what proactive thing I need to do instead.
It doesn't help that, until 2016, I was exceedingly untrusting of authority figures just in general--too much for a true Christian.
But I need guidance such as only a true Shepherd can give me. Without that, without recourse to the Lord, we are stuck in a false dichotomy: either indulge sexually (which is mortally sinful), or be phobic about all sex (which is even worse).
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I am now inspired to make mention of my current formation in the Secular Franciscan Order. Yesterday I was initiated, and it was such a wonderful blessing! I didn't feel anxious at all, or like any sign was pointing away from it being right for me. I felt the love, the laughter, the comfort, of everyone there, and I felt like I was one of them. Having been thus initiated, I have now received my own copy of the Rule of the Secular Franciscan Order, as well as my own Tau cross to wear.
The reason I bring this up here, rather than in another blog entry as I originally planned to, is this: as part of my formation I have been reading Come and See, a formation book for those in the first two stages of formation into the Secular Franciscan Order. The chapter that I discussed yesterday specifically referred to the "paschal imagination", a term that stuck with me.
In particular, this chapter distinguished the paschal imagination from the "petrified imagination" (what we might call "conservative") or the "fuzzy uncritical imagination" (what we might call "liberal"). The petrified imagination hardens one's heart against God's active will. On the other hand, the fuzzy uncritical imagination regards just about any course of action as equally valid, without direction by the Lord. Only through recourse to God, through Jesus Christ, can we be liberated from this false dichotomy with the paschal imagination: open to change, directed by God.
I was inspired to write this when I wrote what I did above of the false dichotomy regarding sex from a non-Christian perspective.
The "petrified imagination" would regard all sex as evil--only making indulgence for opposite-sex coitus as a "necessary evil" given that it's how we reproduce (but we're not supposed to enjoy the act itself or the feelings we have when we have it).
The "fuzzy uncritical imagination" is what we largely have in our culture today, regarding (almost) all forms of sexuality as equally valid, without allowing God to direct our sexual appetites towards their proper ends. The only sexual activity that such an imagination does (rightly) condemn are things that human beings themselves find repulsive: rape and pedophilia, for example.
The "paschal imagination", on the other hand, sees life in Christ as Paschal, as Eucharistic, as a sacrifice. Unless called to take a solemn vow of celibacy (as in the priesthood or religious life), we are called to act on our sexual appetites--and to enjoy the good feeling that it gives us to satisfy it. But we are called to let God direct it to its proper end, of attempting to conceive children (or at least being open to it) within the context of marriage: a promise between a man and a woman to be exclusively loyal to each other for life.
Again, the trouble is that, with so many clerics, even at such high levels, failing to exercise a paschal imagination, how can we mere sheep hope to have a model to follow, to know how to do this ourselves, and not fall into the trap of either embracing all sex (except rape and pedophilia), or being phobic even about conceptive sex which leads to new life?
And for someone like me, with Asperger's Syndrome, who is overwhelmed by sensory input that wouldn't overwhelm an ordinary person, how can there be hope? And for someone like me who is so afraid of disappointment that he is afraid to "rock the boat", how can I even hope to be brave enough to ask, especially if I don't get the answer I'm looking for the first time?
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In Dante's Inferno, the lustful went to the second circle of hell (out of nine total). Lust is the least of the Seven Deadly Sins. That's because it is nothing more or less than a perversion of a normal, natural, healthy human appetite.
But for the very same reason, it claims a lot more souls than sins done out of malice, such as violence, fraud, and treachery (the three lowest circles of hell in Inferno). Our Lady of Fatima, I believe, said that more people go to hell because of lust than because of any other sin.
For this reason we cannot divorce this issue from the scandals going on. If I allow my sexual appetite to rule over me, I am as much a slave as if someone were to rape me. Worse, I am a willing slave.
But first and foremost, we need to love God and neighbor, and refuse to identify people (made by God and loved by Him) with their sins--ourselves or others--whether such people choose themselves to identify with their sins or not. It won't be easy, especially if they do so identify: they will then not see love but "hate".
Again, a petrified imagination sees only sin and condemns the sinner prematurely to hell; a fuzzy uncritical imagination sees loving the sin (and therefore redefining it as "not sin") as a prerequisite to "loving" the sinner. A paschal imagination loves the sinner first, and hates the sin due entirely to love of the sinner.
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I don't pretend not to be afraid of what comments might come my way, if any do. But I welcome them from anyone who wants to speak up. And any prayers on my behalf are welcome and I will pray for you as well.
Thank you for being with me. God bless you.
