At least a month ago, I came to a conclusion, one that I feel more confident about now than I have ever felt about anything before (although I still need to pray, learn more, and seek advice):
I believe that God is calling me to the priesthood.
I have a number of reasons why I think this: what really prompted me to consider that is the fact that, in seeking paying work, I have looked to the various offices of holy men in different cultures and religions outside of what is a church vocation (like the priesthood) rather than a paying occupation. I've been doing that for a long time now, and by October 19 (possibly earlier), I finally realized that I was ignoring the obvious: why would I be considering this if I weren't called to be a man of the cloth myself?
And indeed, this got me to thinking about other things that appear to me to be signs of my calling: I've always enjoyed how orderly the Mass was, even as a child before I fully understood or appreciated it, and have been good at memorizing--and I now know I'm good at cantoring, so I could chant a High Mass; when I was little I used to imagine that I was a priest celebrating Mass; I've been attracted to the Liturgy of the Hours and the Liturgical Calendar for years; I've wanted to do the best that I could, and found it difficult choosing just one path; I've often imagined, after confession, what I would say to a penitent if I were hearing his confession; I've found new appreciation for the Book of Leviticus and the Old Testament sacrifices prefiguring Christ's own Sacrifice; etc.
(And if anyone has kept up with this blog long enough, I used to post daily Scripture readings and comment on them in a sort-of "homily" such as a priest might do at Mass.)
What's more, after this I asked several people whom I know whether they thought I might be so called, and no one answered in the negative--and some answered in the affirmative.
Previously on this blog I said that I thought I was called to the married life (and while an ordained priest may not get married, outside of the Latin Rite a married man may be ordained), but now I think that I was thinking more intellectually with that. I didn't seriously act on it, and where I thought of my anxieties as something that kept coming to me and so as perhaps something I was meant to do, now I think that if it were my calling I would have felt more of a sense of peace and joy with it.
At any rate, all vocations are holy, and all are needed, especially now--but God is only calling me to one, and I will be most happy and fruitful if I answer that call.
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I have no delusions, however. The priesthood is of particular importance: it is successorship to the Apostles themselves, being granted the authority that rightly belongs to Jesus Christ alone as the Son of God--forgiving sins, being an authority figure, caring for the flock, teaching and preaching the faith. It is a tremendous responsibility.
Because of this, I have no delusions about my own imperfections, vices, and habitual sin. I need to look to the Lord for the grace to turn away from that permanently. I don't have to be a perfect priest, only to will what God wills, and He will take care of the rest.
But it isn't just my own unworthiness that I recognize: it's also the fact that, as an aspiring priest, I will be a particular target for the Devil and his minions, both demonic and human. Satan hates our shepherds and desires most to strike them, so that the sheep may be scattered and easier to pick on--as a wolf might attack a human shepherd in order to have his run of the sheep.
And there are many ways in which the Evil One might target me. One is exploiting my weaknesses and tempting me with sin, especially those that I have committed on a regular basis and keep having to confess before receiving Holy Communion--and even more so, tempting me with despair that I will ever be rid of it (or conversely, with presumption that I don't even need to work that hard at it), either of which could turn me away from continuing to come to Christ for forgiveness.
But there are other ways: he can work through his most loyal minions. I don't desire to be an exorcist unless God calls me to this, but even if He does I can't pretend not to be afraid of the experience even of confronting one demon out of hell, much less more than one.
And there are also human minions.
Right now is the time when good shepherds are most urgently needed, and only for the last three months have I been made to be as fully aware of this as I ought to have been. This sex abuse scandal rises too high in the Church, and is too widespread, and is worse than people may think (and yet all the better that it is coming to light at last).
First, contrary to popular belief, most sex abuse on the part of wicked priests takes place in the seminary, where such a man has access to many victims--and so his victims tend not only to be male, but not children. In other words, this is not pedophilia but homosexual abuse. Because of this, I would have to take care to guard my own chastity in seeking a seminary to enter, lest I either become a victim of sodomy (which cries out to God for justice), or worse--lest I be tempted into participating in the sin of my own free will myself. The fact that I am in my mid-30's and no longer a child will not save me.
Second, those who have so completely given themselves over to the Enemy will stop at nothing to continue in their ways, unless they repent (and some require much prayer and fasting on their behalf in order to have hope of repentance--and even then it's still their own decision). It was true in Our Lord's day, and it's true now. Anyone whom they perceive as a threat they will desire to be silenced, however necessary.
I have no delusions about it being possible to look into my background and air my dirty laundry, either to blackmail me into silence and ceasing to resist, or else in an attempt at a character assassination and discrediting me, to prevent people from listening to me. I have no delusions about being asked loaded questions in an attempt to trap me by my own words. I have no delusions about the possibility that I or those dearest to me may be threatened physically--and it may not end at mere threats.
And the worst of it is that high-ranking Church clergy should be among these vicious wolves. Certainly those who have so turned away from Christ will not desire me to join their ranks unless they can neutralize me, either by turning me or by silencing me in any other way--intimidation or just plain destroying me.
If the world hates me, it has hated Jesus Christ first. I cannot expect better treatment than that of my Lord and Master.
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But Jesus Christ, and the Immaculate Heart of Mary, will triumph in the end. I have no doubts about that, and I intend to cling to them and ask them to protect those whom I love. God will remove the wicked false shepherds and replace them with true and good shepherds--and if I'm called to be one, I hope and pray I am the latter.
True priests of the Catholic Church should act like Jesus Christ and His disciples, NOT like His enemies among the priests, scribes, and Pharisees. Such false priests will drive away the faithful, either physically or by making impressionable people think that such evils are morally permissible, or even good. Whether their hearts are truly with the Devil, or whether they have been blinded by their own vices and honestly don't intend this, they are doing the Enemy's work, not the Lord's. And Christ will not tolerate it forever.
If even the highest-ranking shepherds are really wolves, then God will act otherwise to stop them. The faithless Jewish priests revolted against Rome and saw the Second Temple and the City of Jerusalem destroyed. The pagan Romans' hearts were not necessarily with Christ, but He turned even their evil actions and intentions toward His holy will.
Likewise, the same may happen with secular authorities now, which makes our elections more pressing now than they have ever been before. In the United States alone, multiple states are now investigating this sex abuse scandal, and it's even reaching the federal government. It may be too much to hope to have outright friends in such high places (certainly President Donald Trump is in danger of his soul), but the least we can hope for is to have those who are not our enemies, and who are no friends of the corrupt clergy. This 2018 election has been important, and things will continue in 2020 and beyond.
For almost two years now I have stopped trying to prognosticate--to predict with excessive precision what will happen in the future, especially where not specifically prophesied about in Church-approved prophecies. That is acting on a heart that loves not the First Commandment.
Nevertheless, I still suspect that we are now living in a time when Jesus has given Satan 75-100 years, and added power, in an attempt (which will prove vain in the end) to destroy the Church--as Pope Leo XIII told. I also still suspect that this 75-100 year period probably began on January 25, 1938 (and it certainly hasn't ended), so that I suspect that it will end sometime on or before January 25, 2038 (just over 19 years from now as of this writing).
And if so, I can expect the Devil to pull out all the stops, precisely because he knows he doesn't have much longer before he needs to give up his power back to Christ, and he knows how far he still has to go in his goal of destroying the Church.
And now that the sex abuse scandal is coming to light, evil will be exposed for what it truly is: evil hates the light and wants to escape into the darkness, or else destroy the source of the light. But good loves the light and desires to remain in it always and to shine it everywhere. In other words, I believe that the evil days won't be with us much longer, but also that things will get worse before they get better. We need the grace of God now more than ever before.
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And we need especially to pray and fast for our priests and seminarians: for the true repentance of those who are wicked; for the removal of those who will not repent; for strong hearts in the good ones, and (if the Lord wills it) for their physical protection as well; and for justice not only against the wicked clergy, but for the innocent and good clergy, that these latter may not be falsely accused and convicted of similar evils. And of course, for good men to answer vocations to the priesthood even with all these terrible evils going on right now.
The clergy are NOT the enemy, but our fathers, and I would say this even if I were not convinced that I am called to be one of them. They simply have the highest responsibility, and therefore their corruption hits the world the hardest. They are only worthy to be called our spiritual fathers if they answer to Our Father in Heaven, and do not make the Devil their father.
And the same for our secular leaders. Just voting isn't enough (and even there, we may have to settle for being practical if we're to act temporally at all in this regard); there is also petitioning, and most especially prayer and fasting for them as well.
Which brings me to one more thing. I haven't acted on this yet, but I now think I was mistaken in reregistering as a Democrat. Far be it from me to want to be a rat leaving a sinking ship, and far be it from me to judge beforehand, but it's clear to me now that the Democratic Party's leadership is giving itself over to evil, and will not tolerate hindrance. Hence I don't know how much practical good I can do within its ranks--and I have to be careful of the company I keep, especially since there are Catholic politicians in the Democratic Party who are not only pro-abortion, but who have not been excommunicated on that basis.
Indeed, from 2004 on, every Democratic presidential ticket has had a pro-abortion "Catholic" either running for president or vice president. (John Kerry in 2004, Joe Biden in 2008 and 2012, Tim Kaine in 2016.) I cannot even appear to support this.
I really wish it were possible simply to de-register as a Democrat, but it's not that simple. As I did in 2012, only with a greater appreciation for things now, I feel more confident about leaving the Democratic Party as the right thing to do, than I do about joining the Republican Party. The Republican Party is not an outright friend to the Catholic Church: while the party platform is pro-life, too many individual Republican politicians have said they are against abortion "except in cases of rape, incest, or the life of the mother". The fact that incest is even there indicates a support or at least tolerance for giving unborn babies the death penalty for what their parents did, which doesn't bode well for a pro-life reason for restricting abortions (and so it doesn't bode well for actually being "pro-life" rather than merely "anti-abortion"). Such depersonalization is part of the reason why I thought it was a good idea to reject the Republican Party: because, while the morals they preach are at least on the fundamental level correct, the individuals are all too often hypocrites who depersonalize and clearly show a lack of love. (I have experienced this firsthand, so I know whereof I speak.)
Honestly, the main reason I would even consider rejoining the Republican Party (as I did briefly in 2012) would be for practical reasons (registered Democrats and registered Republicans get more of a voice in primaries than anyone else), and also because of something else that I've read about in the National Catholic Register and other trusted Catholic news sites: many "Wiccans" (witches) are casting "binding spells" against President Donald Trump, Justice Brett Kavanaugh, and those who "aid or abet them"--not to cause harm but to prevent them from acting.
A house divided against itself cannot stand, and so the minions of the Evil One would not do this unless out of fear that the Lord's will might be done if their victims were not thus bound. Therefore, this is the primary attraction that the Republican Party has for me right now.
But only by repentance and faith in the Gospel can one be protected against such preternatural evils, and as I said, President Donald Trump has in the past publicly refused to ask forgiveness because of a false belief that he hasn't done anything that needs to be forgiven. That is blasphemy against the Holy Spirit, and only if enough people love President Trump (not what he thinks, says, and does, but the man whom God made and loves) to pray and fast for his repentance might he stand a chance of humbling himself and truly repenting, and so receiving the grace to be freed from such spells. (We also need to pray and fast for those casting them, for their souls are in peril.) And certainly the Republican Party is not rooted in Jesus Christ completely, and it must not be idolized (indeed, when founded it was heavily anti-Catholic).
Indeed, perhaps I discern something of the Lord's will in all this. In 2016, my biggest fear in the event of a Donald Trump presidency had nothing to do with what he might actually do as president (or fail to do), and everything to do with the fear that people might idolize the man, overlooking his genuine vices and sins simply because he calls out genuine evils of the establishment and intends to fight them. If I thought Donald Trump were a saint, I would not feel it as urgent to pray and fast for him, because the grace of God would protect him against such binding spells. But precisely because he's not, it's dangerous to his own soul as well as to the United States and the free world to act as if he were. And maybe it's God's will that the one standing the best chance of enacting His will temporally is so far from being a saint, lest we be tempted to idolize the man and forget the God who allowed him to come to power in the first place.
One last thing that I still suspect about the future: Venerable Bartholomew Holzhauser prophesied that the current age of the Church would end, and the next age would begin, with a saintly pope and a great Holy Roman Emperor (which obviously still hasn't come to pass yet). At minimum, I would think that a prerequisite for this would be to make the world lose faith in human leadership that doesn't have recourse to God, whether that leadership is clerical or secular. If so, then we must not idolize President Donald Trump or those who support him, not even when their actions are genuinely good--because again, at least for the present, they are far from being saintly. (Even Vice President Mike Pence, the first Vice President to participate in the March for Life since Roe v. Wade, is a lapsed Catholic guilty of the sin of heresy.)
And the same thing for political parties like the Republican Party (of which Donald Trump wasn't always a member anyway), especially if we register with them. As I said, the binding spells against Republican politicians and justices is the biggest attraction to me to rejoining the Republican Party--but the biggest thing that gives me pause is precisely the hypocrisy that I decried before, the hypocrisy that partly prompted me to rejoin the Democratic Party back in February. This is why I wish that I could just de-register as a Democrat. I could certainly re-register non-partisan (which is probably the closest equivalent), but that would give me less of a voice in primary elections, because then I could neither vote in Democratic or Republican primaries. It's primarily because I don't feel completely certain of what I should do in this regard that I haven't yet changed my voter registration.
I welcome prayers in this regard: I don't want to mistake my own will for God's, nor simply to believe that because something is NOT my will that necessarily means it's God's will (I now think I made the latter mistake in February, when I thought I was called to marriage). I may simply re-register non-partisan after all, although I would find it difficult to vote for good Republican candidates in Republican primaries, and so would have to settle for whoever won the nomination, good or bad.
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One last thing before I sign off: I've thought about mentioning my belief in my calling for a month now, but haven't done so. Part of what prompted me to do it now is the latest "Vortex" on Church Militant TV (I am not affiliated with them, and the opinions expressed here are my own and no one else's). I was so disgusted and angered by it that I won't even link to it here, and I don't intend to watch it again.
In the Byzantine Rite the Saint Philip's fast before Christmas has begun (it began on November 15, this past Thursday)--and in the Latin Rite, Advent will begin on December 2 (13 days from now as of this writing). It's not only a time of fasting and penitence before the Nativity of Our Lord, but also an anticipation of His Second Coming (and, for those of us who won't live to see it, an anticipation of our personal judgment when we die). So it's a good time to mention all this.
Plus, on my next birthday I will be 35, "Midway upon the journey of our life" as Dante put it--and so a good time to start thinking about my own mortality and what to do with my life until then.
Please pray for me, and I will pray for you. God bless you.
Thank you for being with me.
