Asperger's Syndrome

I don't want to lump together everyone who has Asperger's Syndrome, not least because I know so few people who have it (and in this day and age, it might be easy for people to lie and claim they have it when they don't--or to make themselves believe they have it when they don't), and so I can only speak from my own individual perspective.

Having said that, I can't help but suspect that my Asperger's Syndrome does figure significantly into what I'm about to say, in terms of my problematic situation--which I'm sure many others suffer from, although I don't know of anyone besides myself who does.



When I was little, it was easier to be proactive, at least at times.  I followed my instincts to begin--doing what I liked and avoiding what I didn't like.  Then, as I learned the rules, I followed those, and tried to encourage others to do the same.

But as I got older, I came to realize that this wasn't good enough.  I can't always follow my instincts: sometimes they're wrong, and even if they're not, sometimes people will react negatively--or not at all when I really want them to.  Also, not everyone follows the rules, not even when they know the rules, and the rules make sense and are easy to follow.  Plus, not all human rules actually do make sense.

Consequently I became insecure, to the point where it was a lot easier to be reactive than proactive.  When being proactive I can't help feeling anxious to some degree, wondering how the other person will react, but deep down wondering "Is this right for me to do?" because I don't already have confirmation that it is.  When being reactive I don't have that problem: someone else has already confirmed that it is right, or at least okay, to do--and so unless I have serious reason to doubt this, I have confirmation before I do it myself.  This is not good because, without a root in objective Truth, that makes me easily led by the nose.

And where I'm not easily led by the nose, I tend to get stubborn, digging my heels into the ground, refusing to listen to a contrary view and rationalizing it on the grounds that it's illogical--even if I really ought to be listening, if for no other reason than to show love to the other person.  Plus, it may not be illogical; it may just be that the person giving that view isn't using logic (or at least logic I can understand and accept) to arrive at it.  Also, when I act like this I betray the fact that my faith in my own view is weak, and I betray how shallow my Christlike exterior truly is.  But I have acted this way anyway because I've found some objectivity to cling to with regard to my position, be it logic, mathematics, or theology or morality (now that I'm convinced of Catholic Christianity's Truth).



Because of this, I've reached a point at which I'm afraid to ask for what I want, even if what I want isn't unreasonable, for fear that I will appear needy, whiny, annoying--or else bossy and pushy and demanding.  As a result, I don't ask for what I want; instead, I hope against hope that I will get what I want without needing to ask--that someone else will both know what I want and give it to me because of this--and when I don't get it (which is very common) I get resentful of those who aren't giving it to me.  And whether I mean it or not (or recognize it in the moment or not), that means I'm being resentful of God Himself.  Worst is that, when I finally do indicate what I want, I actually am being needy, whiny, annoying--or bossy, pushy, and demanding.  I say things like "We never do this" or "You never want to do this with me" or etc., rather than making it an invitation, something that someone is more likely to respond positively to.

And at other times I either get bored or else I retreat into my own mind, or to screen technology, to basically run away from the rut I've been in for years now--to put blinders on the fact that I'm still in it.



I now think that this has a lot to do with why I identified with the original Peter Pan story as written by J. M. Barrie, as well as with J. M. Barrie himself, for the last decade and a half.  I feel like a "mirror", like a "mime".  I tend to reflect what others do unless I either know it's false, evil, or ugly--or unless I personally strongly dislike it--including how they treat me.  And while this may make me good at writing or acting, it comes at the cost of not knowing who I really am, irrespective of any "role" I might make up and put on for others.  It is not unlike having an extraordinarily long childhood (not to mention that I look younger than I am and I'm shorter than the norm).

Plus, I don't even know that I am that good at it.  I might be good enough to please myself, but when it comes to sharing my work with others (something I long to do), I fear that they won't agree.  At worst, I fear that I might confuse them because of something I overlooked and neglected to put into my writing or performance, so that my readers/audience didn't get it.  And these fears tend to hinder my creativity and my productivity.  At any rate, I haven't gotten my name out there as a writer or an actor, and certainly I haven't been paid for it.

I feel like the stranger who longs to be welcomed, and who fears greatly that he will not be welcomed.



Because of this, I quit working for Aspergers Training, Employment and Life Skills.  I no longer feel that I can in good conscience work for such an organization.  I worked with someone who I presumed knew the special needs of people with Asperger's Syndrome, given the organization he worked for--and he consistently showed, over a period of years, that he did not.  I have no resentment against the man, or even the organization--I wasn't treated unkindly, and please do not badmouth either!--but I felt hypocritical in working for them.  My heart was never in it, and I don't feel that I can in good conscience recommend them.

But that means that I'm back to where I was before early 2015, and where I had been for nearly six years before that (more if you don't count the years I was an adult in college): unemployed.



More and more, though, I'm coming to realize that what I'm truly longing for is God Himself.

God gave me the instincts that I have, and where my most passionate desires aren't innately sinful, they are a sign of what God wants me to do (either to do what I most passionately desire, or--in some cases--to do what I passionately desire to avoid).  And while not all rules come from God, if they don't require me to sin or forbid me from doing my duty by Him, I must follow them.  What matters is what God thinks, not what other people might think--or even what I think.  Jesus was crucified: obviously He didn't care what others thought of Him!

And part of a root in God doesn't just mean knowing what the Church teaches and so having "pre-confirmation" that what I'm doing is right--it means taking risks, making myself vulnerable, out of 100% trust in God and love of Him.  I've come to realize that, by definition, that means acknowledging that sometimes I cannot possibly know before the fact--and I cannot rely on other people as my confirmation that what I'm doing is right--but I need to act anyway.  God can do more with my mistakes than with my inaction.

I need to humble myself and listen to others--and especially to listen to God in contemplative prayer.  And I need to accept that the other might have a point, even if I don't see the logic in their arrival at it, and even if I perceive the other person being prideful and so fear I'm "giving them the satisfaction" by doing what they say (that very fear is as un-Christlike as it gets).

I need not to be afraid to ask for what I want, including of God in prayer.  Jesus responding to Mary's prayer when the wedding feast at Cana ran out of wine--will He not all the more desire to respond to my prayers for things that are more important?  In particular I need to stop acting as if doing so were "bothering someone".  God Himself doesn't act that way: He doesn't refrain from acting out of fear He's "bothering someone", so why should He be bothered unless what I want is sinful?  I need to be more inviting if I want to be more invited, or to feel more welcome.

And I cannot run away from my problems, whether physically or mentally--they won't go away that way.  I will only be removing myself from a position to address them.

I need to reflect God, to mirror Jesus, to imitate His example.  Only thus can I learn who He made me to be, who I really am irrespective of any role I might put on.

I need to welcome the stranger myself--and that especially means welcoming Jesus into my heart by spending time with Him, sharing with Him, and especially listening to Him.



The trouble is that I'm out of the habit.  Given my situation it may well take a long time and a lot of effort before I reach a point that I'm satisfied with, even to a significant degree (I can't expect complete satisfaction this side of heaven), and that can get discouraging.

But I know that, unless something is impossible by definition, there is a chance of its being possible, and therefore of its happening.  I also know that, concerning my most intense desires that don't go away no matter how little they're fulfilled--as long as they aren't sinful, God placed them in me and they are a clue to what I need to act on and what He wants me to do and to be.  And I know that if I never give up, no matter what my apparent failure or lack of progress, He will answer my prayers if doing so will not hinder my salvation (and I know that He knows better than I do what will or won't).

I might have more of a shot of its happening faster if I have the prayers and intercession of others, especially Mary and the saints.  On the other hand, perhaps this is meant to teach me patience (something I know escapes me a lot), and persistence, and a truer faith even when I'm blind to the results of it.  Plus, maybe I'm not ready for everything I want all at once, and so maybe that's part of the reason God withholds it from me to the degree He does.

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Come to think of it, this relates directly to something else that I wanted to mention.  It has to do with an insight that I received last night, when my friend Eric and I were reading and reflecting on the Passion narrative in the Gospel of Matthew.



According to Genesis Chapter 1, God made Adam and Eve on the sixth day of creation--what we would now call Friday.  Given that, and given that they were His last creations, coming after the animals, Adam and Eve did not exist for the entirety of that Friday.

And the very next day, the seventh day (what we would now call Saturday), was the Sabbath, the day of rest.  That means that Adam and Eve did no work on that day.  In other words, literally all the work that Adam and Eve did before the first Sabbath was done on the previous Friday--and only for part of the day because before that they hadn't been created yet!

In sum, Adam and Eve did less than a full day's work before their first Sabbath rest!



When I realized this, it got me to thinking about Jesus Christ's parable of the workers in the vineyard:



"'For the kingdom of heaven is like a householder who went out early in the morning to hire laborers for his vineyard.  After agreeing with the laborers for a denarius a day, he sent them into his vineyard.  And going out about the third hour he saw others standing idle in the market place; and to them he said, "You go into the vineyard too, and whatever is right I will give you."  So they went.  Going out again about the sixth hour and the ninth hour, he did the same.  And about the eleventh hour he went out and found others standing; and he said to them, "Why do you stand there idle all day?"  They said to him, "Because no one has hired us."  He said to them, "You go into the vineyard too."  And when evening came, the owner of the vineyard said to his steward, "Call the laborers and pay them their wages, beginning with the last, up to the first."  And when those hired about the eleventh hour came, each of them received a denarius.  Now when the first came, they thought they would receive more; but each of them also received a denarius.  And on receiving it they grumbled at the householder, saying, "These last worked only one hour, and you have made them equal to us who have borne the burden of the day and the scorching heat."  But he replied to them, "Friend, I am doing you no wrong; did you not agree with me for a denarius?  Take what belongs to you, and go; I choose to give to this last as I give to you.  Am I not allowed to do what I choose with what belongs to me?  Or do you begrudge my generosity?"  So the last will be first, and the first last.'"  (Matthew 20:1-16)



A denarius was a day's wage for a laborer, and so it was a fair wage.  And those who worked from the beginning of the day had no problem with those who came last receiving this very wage--only when they themselves received the same, and no more, did they complain.  As the householder said, they had agreed for a denarius, which was a fair wage, and they weren't treated unfairly.

Also, the third hour means roughly 9 am by our modern standards; the sixth hour means roughly noon; the ninth hour means roughly 3 pm; and the eleventh hour means roughly 5 pm.



The point is that it isn't the amount of work that we do that determines our reward: we do not enter heaven by our own efforts, but by God's generosity to us.  If it was the amount of work we do, what of the poor, the sick, and the captive?



But now, thinking about Adam and Eve in the context of this parable really helps to illustrate it for me.  Adam and Eve certainly were not working from the first hour of their first day of existence--and the very next day was the Sabbath, on which they weren't permitted to do any work!  But surely, especially given that they hadn't yet committed the original sin, God was no less generous with them on that first Sabbath than on others, when they'd had the chance to do a full week's worth of work before the Sabbath!

And Adam and Eve were the first man and woman, and this was before they committed sin--therefore they correspond to the laborers in the parable who started work late.  And Adam and Eve were not only the father and mother of us all, but they repented of their sin and rejoiced when Jesus Christ broke the gates of Hades and allowed the Old Testament saints out and into heaven.



This gives me further hope, because I am indeed a "late bloomer".  Even though I was baptized as a baby and raised only in the Catholic faith, I fell away slowly when young.  I only returned in 2010, and now I'm in my mid-thirties, which is making me think of the beginning of Dante's Divine Comedy.

Dante begins this poem "Midway upon the journey of our life", which means when he was 35, half of a Biblical lifetime.  I'm not too far from that now, and I still haven't become financially independent, and I haven't entered into my vocation yet.  In many ways I'm still a child.

But I need to recognize and embrace my dependence upon God, because I will always have that no matter what.  If I recognize and embrace my littleness, Jesus Christ's merciful love will flow to me as a "little soul", that I might become a great saint.  And it is only humility that makes us desire not only to become saints, but the greatest saints we can--to be as close to God in heaven as we possibly can, for all eternity.



This is making me recall Disney's Mulan.  (Wow, it's hard to believe that movie is 20 years old!)

Fa Zhou, Mulan's father, early in the movie, says to her: "My, what beautiful blossoms we have this year. But look, this one's late. But I'll bet that when it blooms, it will be the most beautiful of all."

Then, towards the end, no less than the Emperor of China says of Mulan: "The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all."

I don't pretend to be enduring the greatest of adversity, not by a long shot--but the point of the above parable is that it's not about comparing individual situations, especially not in an envious way.  I am a late bloomer, but maybe that's because of what I have to endure, and maybe I will be all the better of a man and a Christian because of it, when I finally do bloom.

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But the main reason I posted this blog entry first, before the others I wanted to mention, is because I am slowly getting the message that I need to rely on God more and more.  That being the case, I don't expect to have as much time to work on this blog in the near future, because being online can be a real distraction--even when I am trying to focus my searches on my faith, sometimes I'm not looking for the specific matters that will help me, or shake me out of my comfort zone, and at any rate I'm not directly addressing the Lord in prayer.

Granted, I'm not exactly updating regularly as it is, but you only have my word for what my life is like outside of this blog, unless you know me personally.  I need to stop letting myself be dragged this way and that by capricious whims, and to stop putting off my responsibilities.  I need to learn to listen to God, and to grow closer to Him and to be the person that He made me to be.

Please pray for me, and I will pray for you.



Thank you for being with me.  God bless you.