Where You Put Your Eyes

It's been over a year since I've updated this blog, and I haven't even regularly read what was on it.  In some ways, what I wrote feels like it's from another life entirely.

I'm still Catholic, and intend to be so forever.  I'm still consecrated to Jesus through Mary (I just renewed my consecration again two days ago as of this writing, on March 25, 2020), and intend to be so forever.  I'm still consecrated to Merciful Love, and intend to be so forever.  None of that is what has changed.



What has changed, aside from the obvious (what's changed for everyone, with the COVID-19 pandemic), is that I now realize that I am a lot further from where I need to be, spiritually, than I thought I was.  Already on this blog I have one entry stating a (relative) certainty that I'm called to marriage; another entry on this same blog states a (relative) certainty that I'm called to the priesthood.

However, months ago I realized that I'm not certain at all, of any particular vocation.

On September 8, 2019 (the feast of the Nativity of the Blessed Virgin Mary, suggesting that her intercession was involved), I looked at a book called To Save a Thousand Souls: A Guide for Discerning a Vocation to the Diocesan Priesthood by Fr. Brett A. Brannen.  I got the book because I had thought this was my calling.  But on that date I read the section of that book about chastity, something with which I have struggled for many years.  There, Father Brannen listed the biggest indications that a man has not yet fully attained sexual integration, and so suffers from lust--and I fit part of the conditions he listed.  He also wrote that a man needs to demonstrate that he can live his life chastely for about two years before going to seminary.  Therefore, even if I was certain that my calling was to the priesthood, I am not yet ready for seminary, and will not be until 2022 at the earliest.

I don't remember Father Brannen saying this, but I remember the "two year" suggestion standing out to me.  I remember when I first returned to the Church and took my Confirmation classes, when I learned that we're supposed to be active in the Church for about two years before discerning our vocations.  That frustrated me because I am impatient and I wanted to do what God made me for as soon as I could, but because of that I didn't even try to pray to discern my vocation until 2013, over two years after I started returning to regular Mass.  Given this, I suspect that I should try to live chastely for at least two years either before going to seminary or before dating/courting a woman with an eye to matrimony.  Until then, I should not even concern myself with those particular vocations because I cannot see God well enough to hear what He tells me.

I don't know exactly what I actively need to do regarding living chastely (as opposed to what I should NOT do), but I need to rely on the Lord more than ever before--and all the more so now, during this pandemic.  If I'm right, then I cannot even seek out a dating life until I mature psychosexually enough to live chastely for at least two years (and I'm already in my mid-30's).  But if I'm wrong, all the more reason why I need spiritual guidance, rather than trying to figure this out on my own.

I don't intend to do away with this blog: I have consecrated it to Jesus through Mary, and I want to own up to what I have said on it before, including what I no longer believe and what I am now sorry for saying--even as I acknowledge that I have since learned better (I cannot cover up my own sins; only God can do that).  Nevertheless, I want to recall the proverb "an empty can makes the most noise".  That is, I've learned the hard way that I want to say more (and I do say more) than I actually have to say, and therefore than I actually should say.  If I cannot live chastely for a reasonable amount of time, I have no right telling other people what they need to believe or do regarding the Catholic faith.  I need to practice what I preach first--otherwise I have no right to preach.  And I need to learn this especially now, during Lent, a time to repent of sin and be faithful to the Gospel.

With the benefit of hindsight, I fear I have started this blog for the wrong reasons--or at least, I have been maintaining it recently for the wrong reasons.  I think it has been more a cry for help than what it has formally appeared to be--that is, an informative/personal blog centered around the Catholic faith as I understand it, and trying to understand why others believe differently even as I believe they're mistaken.  I think it has been a cry for company, and for help for my own problems, and a blog is not the place for such a thing, especially since I haven't developed a significant following of commenters or friends.  Therefore I may make this my last entry here, even if I don't erase my previous entries.  I may, or may not.  I don't know at this point.  But even if I was right in my original point for this blog, I started way too early due to my own impatience--and I now know that impatience is ingratitude, thanklessness.



However, since the COVID-19 pandemic led this month (March 2020) to urgings from both Church and state to avoid traveling except where necessary, much socializing is going to move online, so I cannot leave off the Internet entirely as an option for socializing, especially with people I cannot see on a regular basis--and I already don't have much of a social life.  I'm only saying that a blog isn't really the best medium for that, so I don't think I should use it for that.  I probably shouldn't have embarked on this blog alone in the first place, but should have ensured that I had some kind of following first.  We human beings were meant to be social, not solitary, and that's as true of a task-oriented introvert like me as it is of anyone.

But since this has happened, the last time I've been to Liturgy was on Saturday, March 7, 2020.  Since then I have not had access to the sacraments, and therefore to the grace of the sacraments, which forgive us our sins and strengthen us against further sin if we receive them with a contrite heart.  This combined with my above problems means that I have more to confess at my next confession than I have had since before I returned to the Church in 2010.  And while, thanks be to God, I am nowhere near as bad as I was then, I now realize more than ever in the last decade how far I still have to go.  The same temptations, the same vices, the same sins have been haunting me every week, and that's as true now as it's ever been.

Therefore I need to reevaluate my life.  The sacraments are the ordinary way in which we receive forgiveness for our sins and strength against further sin--the ordinary way that Jesus ordained for His Church--but they were never the only way.  Jesus promised the penitent thief on the cross next to His that "this day you will be with Me in Paradise" (Luke 23:43).  But the penitent thief had no access to the sacraments: he never received Confirmation or Holy Communion, nor the sacrament of Reconciliation.  And yet, Our Lord promised him, and the Church recognizes the penitent thief as Saint Dismas.  In other words, we can still be forgiven our sins if we sincerely repent and are faithful to the Gospel: the will is what matters, as Saint Maximilian Kolbe pointed out.  God arranges the conditions within which we can assert our wills, but we alone are in control of our own free will.  And we will come to have access to the sacraments again at some point, and I definitely will to receive them--but what matters more is that I will to turn away from sin, so that I will not nullify them in receiving them again.



I have some thoughts on what I want to do once we can travel freely again, and some on what I can and should do now, even before that happens.

At present, I don't plan to leave my current parish, but I want to consider going to another (Latin Rite) parish that is closer to where I live.  After a conversation that my friend Eric had with his priest, I'm coming to consider that my reasons for leaving were not sound--and I am all the more willing to consider this as a possibility since reading The Second Greatest Story Ever Told by Father Michael E. Gaitley, which finally convinced me that the pope foretold of by Our Lady of Fatima was Pope Saint John Paul II.

Ever since 2012, I have leaned in a more conservative/traditionalist direction, and I don't want to reject what was true and good about such.  But I have now learned the hard way not only how un-Christian many such people act (indeed, this rubbed me the wrong way before I returned to the faith), but also where I was making mistakes, not unlike the scribes and Pharisees whom Our Lord rebuked for being hypocrites.  These focused too much on the letter of the law and not enough on the spirit of merciful love.  It is a more Protestant attitude that leads me to trust myself to know better than priests (who are older than me and have studied the faith for years, and whose vocation it is to know and preach the faith) just what is consistent with Catholic teaching--and that's true irrespective of what I think I know better, whether it is lax or ultraconservative.

And I have now concluded that one particular evil of revolutionary egalitarianism that I had failed to notice was our belief that all truths (or all goods) are equal in importance.  It was because of this, combined with my own personal all-or-nothing attitude (I have OCD) that I went so far as to adhere to young earth creationism and to absolute monarchy and patriarchy, believing that this was necessary in order to be the most faithful Catholic Christian that I could.  I reasoned, why settle for less than the best?

But that is failing to be practical and live in the real world.  Jesus Himself and His Apostles didn't live in such a utopian world as I was trying to discover and hoping to bring about!

And I don't know nearly enough about what scientists have learned about astronomy to conclude a heliocentric model--not to reject what they say wholesale just because so many scientists (and science fiction authors) are non-believers, and sometimes outright hostile to God and to Christianity.

Plus, while absolute monarchy and patriarchy might be objectively the best, that doesn't mean that they are the only good societies possible.  Indeed, if I don't trust authority figures myself, how can I even advocate for monarchy as an ideal?  Distrust of authority figures is what led to anti-monarchical revolutions in the first place!



The point is that I am coming to recover from these foolish notions of mine.  As long as I have trouble trusting authority figures, my own faith is stunted and my own pride is in danger of being fed--as I can come to trust myself more than people who know more than I do and whose job it is to know and to teach.  This is another problem that I have along with chastity: obedience and faith.

And so, once I have access to the sacraments again, I intend to go to the parish closest to where I live, and to try to be in the physical Presence of Our Lord in the Eucharist as much as possible, not just for one hour once a week.  I cannot do that at the Byzantine parish where I'm currently registered, nor can that parish service all my needs as a Latin Rite Catholic.  I intend to go regularly for perhaps a few months before making any final decisions--and especially I should pray regularly on it--but I am open to the possibility of registering at this Latin Rite parish, and trying to live as part of the Church with its other parishioners outside of Mass as well.

But I need to start repenting now, before I have access to the sacraments again.  I need to live as a Catholic Christian even when I stay at home and only leave to be in the immediate area around my house.  If I live no differently from a non-believer who wouldn't go to Mass and receive the sacraments anyway, even before this pandemic, I am not a true Catholic Christian at all.  I need to pray regularly, and I need to avoid sin and near occasions of sin.  This week in particular I have failed, more than once, in bad ways.  I need to get my act together, and try to make this all that I have to confess the next time I have confession available to me--and I have no hope of that unless I rely on Our Lord.



Again, this may be my last blog entry here.  It may be that, if I decide to continue posting blog entries, I might do it on a different blog entirely--I don't know.  But I welcome all prayers, and I want to pray for you as well.

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Finally, an explanation of the title of this blog entry.  As a kid, I saw an animated song on Sesame Street called "That's About the Size of It", which talks about how the same things look bigger when you're closer, and smaller when you're further away.  The chorus goes "That's about the size/Where you put your eyes/That's about the size of it".

I thought it related to how my view of my own life and my own place in the world has changed since the last time I was on this blog.  I tried to think of a good title that suggested this, and that was what I came up with.



Thank you for being with me, anyone who reads this, and God bless you.  I love you all.



--Michael

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P. S.  Another reason I'm considering not adding more to this blog is because, for some reason I don't understand, I can add new blogs but I cannot comment on them (though clearly other people can).  Therefore I'm responding to the comment below here instead of in the comments section.



Hi again, Christina, and thank you for following my blog and for your comments.

Yes, it does.  Saint Thomas Aquinas wrote several volumes addressing just about every single aspect of the faith as it was known in his time.  And thank you for the compliment.

But Jesus didn't use Aristotelian syllogisms to persuade people: He was Himself uneducated and He preached to many people who were also uneducated.  You don't need a degree in theology to be a faithful Catholic Christian--indeed, having one can make one prideful, like the scribes and Pharisees--though Saint Thomas Aquinas is proof that it doesn't prevent it either.

And yes, not only is it sometimes impractical for a particular individual like myself to effect certain changes, sometimes it isn't my place to do so.  That's why J. R. R. Tolkien didn't write on apologetics as C. S. Lewis did--Tolkien wasn't clergy, nor a member of a religious order, and so he didn't feel it was his place.

Thank you, and I wish the same for you!  I'm curious as to what's been going on with you lately?